Home for the Holidays
by ObsessiveCompulsive5699
Summary: Naruto decides to bring Sasuke home for Christmas...let the insanity begin. Narusasu, holiday!fic, AU, Two-shot
1. Chrstmas Eve

_** Author's notes**_

_**So, Obsessive and Compulsive -fianlly- got up off their lazy butts and wrote a story together! Whoo! And, of course, its pure and utter crack. **_

**Compulsive: That's all we ever write together!**

_Obsessive:Yeah...alone, its all angsty-romance, together it's 'Boom, boom, boom, I want you in my room'...Please don't ask..._

**Compulsive: It's a real song!**

_Obsessive: Anyways..._

_**Warning: Crack, minor character bashing?, boy-love**_

_**Disclamor: Do you really thing they would wear the amount of clothing they do if we owned Naruto?**_

_**Authors: **Obsessive** and **_**Compulsive_!_**

_**Ages: Naruto:20, Sasuke: 18, Tsunade and Jiraiya: 50plus, Choji: 14, Gaara: 8, Temari: 16, Ino and Sakura: 4, Kankuro and Shino: 15, Tenten: 15, Hinata: 13, Neji: 10**_

* * *

"I have to warn you though…my family is really weird…are you sure you don't want to go see your family?"

Sasuke gave him a look. "Anything is better than Itachi and Christmas." He shuddered.

"Well…as true as that may be, I'm not kidding when I say my family has chased off more than enough suitors."

"How many are we talking about?" Sasuke said incredulously.

"Roughly…a dozen? I think…including Stephan…" Sasuke gave him a look that said 'Okay then', and his face brightened slightly.

"Sounds fun. So you said they're foster parents…?"

"Yeah…" he turned and gave him an intense stare. "Foster parents to the psychos…" He turned back to the road in time to keep them from crashing into another car.

"You're kidding, right?" When he received no response, he repeated the question. Naruto took that chance to change the subject.

"We're almost there! Another couple of blocks…"

After shifting in his seat, he took a moment to look at outside, and realized they weren't in a neighborhood of houses, they were in a neighborhood of mansions. When they came to an abrupt stop, he noticed that the house they were at was the biggest, whitest, goldest-gated, greenest-lawned house of them all. Naruto sighed and opened the car door. Sasuke followed suit, and Naruto grabbed his hand as they walked up the path.

Sasuke turned to him and asked, "Do you think we should hold hands in front of them?"

"I really don't think they'll care…" Naruto said as the front door opened, and a very tall, very well endowed blonde woman came out.

"Brat!" She called out cheerfully.

"Hag!" He replied with the same enthusiasm. Sasuke blinked, hoping this was normal. An equally tall man came up behind her, with a perverted grin on his face. The older couple wrapped them both in a hug, and Sasuke heard warning bells go off in his head.

"Come in, come in!" They said together as they dragged Sasuke and Naruto into the house. They led them to the living area, and nudged them into a couch. Sitting across from them, they smiled.

"Mom, pop, this is my boyfriend, Sasuke." He reached over and grabbed Sasuke's crotch. Sasuke whimpered and blushed. They just smiled at him.

"Nice to meet you, Sasuke. I'm Naruto's mom, Tsunade."

"I'm his dad, Jiraiya." He leered slightly at the young man. Naruto shot a glare at him.

"Come, come Sasuke. There's much more to see." He led him by the crotch out of the room and into a grand room, and through a door to the side. A large teenager was at the counter, holding a clear bowl with a strainer in it, spinning a salad.

"…Cause nobody likes wet salad. We must keep spinning to make sure the salad is nice and dry. Nice and dry, nice and dry, nice and dry." He smiled at the bowl.

Sasuke looked over at Naruto, who was still holding him. "Is he okay?"

"He has this…thing…about wet salads. We try not to ask about it." He glanced at the still muttering boy, then dragged him back out of the room. They went around the room, up the grand staircase, and onto the third floor.

"I think this is my room." The blonde said, opening on of the doors. Sasuke gasped when he looked inside.

"Hi…" A small, redheaded boy was sitting on the bed, wearing nothing but a strategically placed stuffed panda.

"Um…Sasuke, this is Gaara…" He chuckled nervously. "May I ask what your-"

"**No." **

"Okay then." He whispered shutting the door. "We have a strict 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy around here. It comes in handy."

Sasuke gaped, letting out all kinds of confusion. "But-but-the panda! And your bed!"

"Don't ask, don't tell." He repeated.

They continued down the hall, where Temari stopped them. "Oh, Gaara's in there with his panda again…" Naruto nodded, and pursed his lips,

"Yep, we caught that." Temari eyed Sasuke a moment before uttering

"You're the new one, right?" Sasuke hesitantly nodded before she leaned, "He only bites the new ones." She winked, "Watch out for the flash of green." Was the last thing she whispered before making her way down the hall.

"Flash of green?"

Naruto chuckled, "You'll know when the time comes." Sasuke straightened his jacket, opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but closed it before actually speaking. Naruto opened a door, and dropped their stuff down.

"To be quite frank, I was afraid one of your foster siblings was going to burst through the wall and eat my brain. That was all of them, right?"

"I wish I could say yes, but there are…I wanna say a dozen? That doesn't seem quite right though."

-:-

Sasuke heard a loud voice echo through the hall "Dinner time!"

Naruto turned to me. "I need to warn you Christmas Dinners are unlike any others. I want you to wear this underneath all you clothing." He handed him a bulletproof vest.

"Are you having me put this on because I'm in serious danger or because you want to see me strip?"

"Half and half." He smiled and leaned back as Sasuke unbuttoned his jacket and slid out of his shirt. Naruto stood up and began advancing toward him when the door burst open to a small blonde child.

"Onii-chan, Sakura bit the head off my doll and ate it!" Her whiny voice was already annoying Sasuke.

"Onii-chan is…kinda busy right. Why don't you ask me at dinner…"

"But it's dinner time now!" Naruto was about to object when a brown haired boy walked by with his hands in his pockets.

"She's right, you know how mom gets. Have sex with your boyfriend later." Sasuke sigh at the realization that there was no escaping the insanity.

"Let's just go to dinner, dobe." He pulled his shirt back on, and Ino grabbed Sasuke's hand and pulled him out the door.

As they walked down the hall, Naruto over heard "Are you gonna be my new Aunty? What's sex? Hey! Why is your face all red? Does your nose hurt? Is that why you're rubbing it? Aunty! Answer me!"

Kiba patted Naruto's back. "Welcome back, bro. We missed you." His cheesy smile said it all; 'Get me out of here.'

The table looked like it had been set for a kingdom. Sasuke was staring at it in wonder, not only at the absurd amount of places set, but of the lavishness of the dinning wear. It was at that moment when he heard a voice yell "New youth!" Before he could even fully comprehend what was going on, he was on the ground being eaten alive by a mass of green spandex and hair.

"Oh god! Lee, no! No!" He felt someone pull the 'boy' off him and he gasped for breath and twitched. Naruto carefully helped him up.

"I am so sorry, he is just-I-I warned you…"

Sasuke mouthed a few unidentifiable words but finally said, "Let's just go sit down." They walked over and sat down. One by one, they piled in, and Naruto named them off.

"There's Kiba, and Temari, and Lee, of course, Kankuro is the one with the face paint-don't ask, long story- and Tenten is the one with four knifes- again, don't ask, even longer story-" He paused and shook his head before continuing.

"Choji, I believe you've met, Shino is the one with the large cockroach on his shoulder- we-we don't talk about that. Hinata's the quite purple one, Ino and Sakura the squabbling babies, Shikamaru the stoned looking one-and trust me when I say he's not." He leaned in closer, "He knows everything."

Leaning back, he went on, "Oh, there's Gaara." Gaara walked up and poked Sasuke's shoulder. Said man turned to look at the small redheaded boy,

"This is Fred. He's my life partner." He said simply, and then walked to his chair.

"He…it has some kind of weird attachment to him."

"To him?" Sasuke stared incredulously.

"To him. We put it on an oil tanker once, the next day it was back in his room. Waiting for him, _waiting_." He shuddered, then turned to Tsunade.

"Is that everyone?" He asked, praying for a yes.

"Just about." Sasuke sighed in relief. "I think we're missing Neji." Just as she said that, a medium sized brunette came into the room.

"Speak of the devil." He looked up at her with big brown eyes,

"Were you talking about me? I didn't do it…this time…I swear…" He looked around the room and caught Sasuke's eye, and looked at the open seat next to him. He walked over to the seat, staring at him all the while. Slowly he slid into the seat, still eyeing the young man.

"Neji, this is Sasuke." Naruto said slowly, Neji simply replied,

"Yeah…"

"He's my boyfriend."

"Yeah…"

"Do you like to eat small children?"

"Yeah…" The girls began to scream in fear of being eaten by the seemingly mindless boy. After Tsunade calmed them down, the rest of the dinner went quite smoothly, besides Neji's unblinking stare, the second attack from Lee, and the knife fight between Tenten and Shino.

Naruto took Sasuke's hand and led him up the stairs. All The children were getting ready for bedtime, chatter of Christmas on their lips. Naruto showed him the bathroom where Sasuke proceeded to brush his hair. Ignoring Naruto's mocking gestures, Sasuke asked, "So are we both sleeping in your room?"

"No. I'll be sleeping in the guest room across the hall, you get my room."

"With the redhead, and the panda?"

"They should be gone by now." He smiled encouragingly. "Come on, let's go." Naruto said taking Sasuke's hand to the room. Shutting the door, he gave Sasuke a wicked grin.

"Now that we're alone…" He trailed off suggestively.

"Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no." Naruto paused mid-pounce.

"Wh-what?" He whined. "But…" He gestured at his crotch.

"There are small children in the next room."

"So…"

"That randomly burst in…"

"So…"

"That already call me 'Aunty'." Naruto whimpered,

"But…"

"This is your parents house!"

"You say that as if it would stop me." He continued his pounce as he shoved his tongue in the smaller male's mouth. He broke the kiss hoping Naruto had his fill, "How about this, you continue this little party, and I go back to my room." Sasuke smiled.

"I don't like that idea." Naruto whispered.

"Love you too, Naruto." Sasuke kissed Naruto and walked out of the room.

"But Sasuke, I want your body! Now!" Naruto called after him, very loudly. All the children stopped, and looked out into the hallway. Sasuke brushed as he waved them back into their rooms. He heard a small voice calling 'Aunty' and little footsteps following him down the hallway before jetting into his room and locking the door.

* * *

_**So...this took us SIX FRACKIN' HOURS TO WRITE. Why? We got side-tracked...many times...for music...and the tv...and then we remembered this one yaoi manga that got us into the whole fanfic scene, and had to go hunting it down, which took some time...**_

_**But we finished it! So...this is part one of two...we'll write part two next time we see each other...**_

_**Christmas came early this year! Whoo! Fianlly, a holiday fic!**_

_**Reviews would seriously mean the world to us...**_

_**Even stupid ones that don't really say anything **__**-Smile-**_


	2. Christmas

**_Author's notes_**

_Obsessive: It's us! Finally! Damn, and it took, like, forever to write! though, that could be our fault...we got...distracted...I mean, well, we had to have music, and then there was this story I had to show Compulsive, and then, well, we've started reading this manga online...and...it's...well, it's secured our place in Hell, that's for sure! And then there was this movie, and 'The Soup'...and the Hogan family seriously needs help! Well, I think my rant is done...for now..._

**Compulsive:Well I just wanted to let all of you little droplets of chocolate milk know that about 80.5%-YES go decimals! :D- of this shit -GO STRONG LANGUAGE! :D- actually happened to us. If you ask us in a reveiw we'll tell you every bit of each part that did. But some stuff is just purly from the insanity that is OC5699. btw, if some of this stuff actually happened to me, I think I would cry...in pure fear...**

_**Warning: CRACK. Total, unaviodable, all-consuming crack. And strong language. We think. And Shohen-ai, but that should be obvious, given the first chapter. Some minor charactor bashing, but it's all in good fun! **_

_**Disclamor: Okay, seriously, the fact that we even have to do this is stupid. I mean, if we owned Naruto, the last thing we'd be doing would be writing on here. After all, pron tacks some practice to draw...and Google doesn't belong to us either. :P**_

_**Authors: OBSESSIVE AND COMPULSIVE! Fear-I mean, feel the love!**_

* * *

Sasuke rolled over in his bed, and he felt his arm fall on something soft and warm. He moved his hand a little, and it felt like a body. To his disturbance, he noted it was _much_ too small to be Naruto's body. He frowned, then slowly opened his eyes.

Well, it wasn't Naruto. A pair of pale grey eyes looked into his own. "Did I wake you?" Neji whispered.

He bounced up, grabbing the sheet and pulling it around him. "Wha-" was all he could muster before he ran out of the room, and across the hall.

"You're such a peaceful sleeper!" Neji called after him. He almost broke Naruto's door down in his rush to escape the piercing stare. The slammed behind him as he dove into the blonde's bed.

Naruto groaned and rolled over. "Are you okay..? Wha's wrong? Is there a specific reason your head is in my crotch…? Cause you ain't gonna find any Christmas presents down there…"

"…You're pants are on weird…And why isn't this tied? The strings' on there for a reason, Naruto. Nobody needs to see your boxers." Sasuke's head popped up from under the blanket.

"Why do you care?" Naruto frowned.

At that moment, out in the hallway, Kiba and Temari were meeting up in front of the door. "Merry Christmas, Temari!"

"Merry Christmas, Kiba!" Temari replied. "How many presents do you think you have under the tree?"

"Oh, lot's! Hundreds, I'm sure!" Kiba boasted.

Temari looked at him slyly. "What do you wanna bet I got mo-" She was suddenly interrupted by a shout from her older brother's room.

"Let me finish! Let me finish! Ow, you bite hard!"

"That wasn't hard, you baby! I didn't even_ try_ and bite you!" Naruto replied.

"Let me finish!"

"No, stop, don't touch me there!" He sounded indignant.

"Let me finish! Let me- Cause this needs to be fixed, it just needs to be moved over _here_…"

Temari opened her mouth. "They're probably just moving furniture."

"Or having sex." Kiba said quietly. She turned to say something, but got cut off.

"Okay, fine, just use one hand! _One hand!" _Kiba gestured to the door, making an 'I told you so' face.

"Let me finish!" There was a pause, then the most bloodcurdling scream came from the room. Everyone ran out into the hallway, and stared wildly at their door.

"Alright, fine, it'll just bother me for the rest of the day. See, now I have to change my pants!" Sasuke said angrily. A minute later, Sasuke and Naruto walked out of the room, both looking rumpled. The taller blonde man had tears in his eyes, and was rubbing his lower hip, while Sasuke was rubbing his shoulder. They stopped when they saw everyone staring at them.

"See? Kiba knows everything!" Kiba shouted, throwing his hands in the air.

"Hmmph." Temari said, putting and rubbing her eyes.

Shikamaru tapped the boy's shoulder. "You're wrong."

"What?"

"You see, it's really quite innocent. Neji had been watching Sasuke sleep, since about one AM. Now, around fifteen minutes ago, Sasuke awoke and noticed this. He ran to Naruto's bed, and discovered that his pants were untied. Now, being the slightly OCD prissy-boy we all know he is, he just had to fix it. Naruto, being strange as ever, and a slob, didn't want him to mess with his pajamas. Both men's stubborn streaks showed, and a battle began." He inhaled before continuing.

"In the process of tying his pajamas, however, Naruto bit Sasuke's shoulder, and Naruto was molested, both mentally and physically. Having won, Sasuke made Naruto get up and move to the hall, and that's where we are now." He walked over to Naruto, then dropped so he was eye-level with Naruto's crotch. "But…" He picked up one of the strings, then slowly pulled on it until the bow came undone, before he stood. "None of that matters now, because it's present time." He turned and walked down the stairs coolly.

Sasuke stared after him, eye twitching. Naruto gaped as his pants fell, revealing snowflake boxers. The other children ran after Shikamaru, completely ignoring the motionless adults. A few seconds later, Sasuke and Naruto followed them, the later holding his pants up and tying them half-hazardly.

In the great room, there was a mountain of presents, reaching up to the ceiling. Sasuke gaped, before asking "Shouldn't there be a tree?"

"Oh, you see, that would be too normal for my family. And after the eighth or ninth kid, it just kinda gets lost in the presents…"

"Santa sure was hungry last night!" Ino and Sakura chimed together, each holding up half a broken plate. Suddenly, Ino got a heart-broken look on her face.

"Did we not give Santa enough..?"

"Yeah, I talked to the big man last night…Sure was hungry. Little bit angry, too." From somewhere above, Jiraiya answered her question.

"It's okay, Ino! Next year we'll get him a pizza! I'm sure he'd forgive us then!" Sakura chirped.

"Santa likes pizza…" Jiraiya said, coming down the stairs with Tsunade. "Course, you could always get him a pizone. Everyone likes a good pizone." He got a dreamy expression on his face.

Tsunade sighed, then joined the kids as they began to open their presents. Normally, it took Sasuke's family five, maybe ten minutes to open all of their presents; two-and-a-half hours later, they were finally done, and the brunette was sure he'd seen every present known to mankind, ages pre-school to high school. Sasuke watched in shock as some of the kids complained about not having enough.

A shadow fell over him. He looked up to see Naruto trying to pinch his stomach. "I've gained so much weight since last year…"

"What are you talking about?" Sasuke looked at him unhappily, as he lifted his shirt to reveal his eight-pack. "You've got the best body I've ever seen."

The blonde leaned over him so they were face-to-face. "Blehh."

Sasuke sighed, then flipped him over so the blonde was on his back. He stood over him, smirking.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sure you just love seeing me like this. Must be the first time I've been on my back, huh?" He said, grinning wickedly.

"I'm going upstairs." Was the flat reply.

"Don't have 'Alone Time' without me!" Naruto called after him. Sasuke ignored him, and was just walking by the bathroom, when he heard the single most disturbing thing he had ever heard.

A falsetto voice was singing "And pursue the morning, and pursue the morning, through the frosty mountains! And I'll climb the frosty mountains, and I'll climb the Frost Mountains, and then I'll find the weather!" A pause, then a distinctly male voice asked "Is that good enough?"

"No." Another boy moaned. "Keep. I'll only need a couple more seconds…your voice just makes me so hot!" Sasuke froze, and started twitching. Short, broken, fast-paced gasps streamed out of the brunette, and when the first boy started singing again he broke free and ran into his room, locking the door behind him.

"Happy place, happy place, happy place, happy place…" He repeated to himself, face down in his pillow. He must have drifted off, because next thing he knew someone was poking him. He turned around and saw the person who was quickly becoming the bane of his existence.

"Neji? How did you get in here?" He asked slowly.

"Oh, the vent. People started locking their doors, and so I needed to find a way to see them!"

"Did you ever think that, maybe, there was a reason that their doors were locked…that maybe they didn't want to see you?"

Neji laughed. "That's ridiculous! Who wouldn't want to see me?" He shook his hair out, still chuckling.

"That's fine…now, is there a reason you've woken me up? Again?"

"Oh. Well, I wanted to show you your shrine!"

"Shrine." Sasuke paused. "As in, a few pictures?"

"No, silly. As in plushies!" He replied brightly as the smaller brunette grabbed his hand and led him to his room. When he opened it up, for a second ass he could see was himself.

It was then he realized that when he said plushies, he meant it. Plushies, action figures, and-was that a vial of his blood? He shuddered, counting the hours the child had known him.

"When did you find the time to do this?" He asked, looking at all the pictures on the walls, from his birth, to just this morning. "And how did you get all this?"

"Oh, I found the time. And you'd be absolutely amazed at all that Google has to offer!" He smiled. "Do you like it? I tried to find pictures that…captured your essence."

He picked up the vial of his blood. "I think you've captured everything."

"I hope so!" He bent down and picked up the most warn doll. "You see him? That's your _actual_ hair!"

Sasuke set the vial down and clasped his hands, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. "Okay, I'm going to go tell Tsunade about this, and hopefully she'll give you some medication…or something…" He turned around and walked out the door, praying that he hadn't just seen a picture of him and Naruto.

"Whatever makes you happy!" Sasuke shuddered, and walked as quickly as he could to the blonde. After explaining the situation to her, Naruto held him comfortingly while the other blonde went to 'talk' to her son.

The rest of the day passed without much incident. A small fire broke out, but Shino was able to put it out fairly quickly, and Sasuke got locked under the stairs, which honestly, he didn't mind. Anything was better than being with them. At the end of the evening, Naruto walked him up to his room.

Looking down at him, then to Neji's door, the blonde said "Maybe I should sleep with you tonight…"

"Please." The brunette all but whimpered. A few minutes later, Sasuke was lying all but on top of his boyfriend, who sighed.

"So…are you…okay?" He asked.

"Yeah…I mean, this was good. How can I love you when I don't know all of you?"

"I guess…I'm glad you feel that way."

"Mmm-hmmm. Just so you know, though, we're leaving tomorrow, and next year we're going to Itachi's." He nuzzled his boyfriend's chest lovingly.

"Oh, yeah, totally." Naruto agreed, tilting his head to give him a goodnight kiss. "Merry Christmas, love."

* * *

**Compulsive: I just wanted to remind you that if you ASK IN A REVEIW -hint hint- we'll tell you every thing that actually happened to us. and :3**

_Obsessive: So, I've been think of creating a comic based off of this story...I think I could...Oh, and next year, we're going to try and write a sequal, about their vacation at Itachi's! _

_**Review! Please! Pleasepleaseplease! -Compulsive: Or I'll prevent us from writing ever again! Bwahahaha!- Yeah. Cause that'd be such a tragity. Anyways, Happy Holidays! Review! We love all our readers, but the one's who review will get...well...we can't legally mention that...just kidding...probably...but you'll get our love and respect! Yeah. So review!**_


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